Dog Barking, From the Dog's Point of View...

I heard you were doing a Question & Answer column for this fabulous new magazine. Since this is the first issue I was wondering how anyone was going to know to write to you. The only reason I know is because my buddies and I have worked out a simple network of spreading news. My best friend is a bugling beagle named Bagel. He lives on the top floor of an apartment building and frequently gets on the roof to announce the latest news. He found out about your column from Yippy the yappy Yorkie (who was passing by in his owner's Miata). Good thing the Miata is a convertible or Bagel might never have heard. Anyway, you get the picture, Yippy tells Bagel, Bagel tells me and I tell every fellow canine who passes in front of my home. Because of my vocalization, my human neighbors have left notes that make my owners yell unintelligible things at me. Don't they know I can hear quite well and shouting is not necessary? I didn't know if this column was for us pets to write in or if it's for humans only. In any case, you'll probably be hearing from the humans asking what to do about my incessant "barking."

signed,
Chattering Chumley

Dear Chumley,

Thanks for your letter! I was shocked to get any mail before the first issue. I didn't think this column would be just for humans, but I only know three dogs who can type. So - canines, felines and humans alike are all welcome to write. We're all for equal opportunity! When your owners inquire, I will tell them to take you out regularly to meet your doggy friends. That way you can get all your stories out and will not have anything to talk about later. Besides, the exercise of romping with your friends will tire you out and you won't feel much like visiting. In fact, you'll want to sleep undisturbed the rest of the day.

I'll also tell them to teach you a few of their words so you can understand them. You're right about the shouting. It's odd that humans think you'll suddenly understand them if they yell. You'll know when they really want to communicate with you because one day they'll get out a jar of cookies and keep repeating the same word over and over again. When you catch on, you'll get a yummy biscuit. I imagine the word they'll use is "Quiet." All you have to do is stop barking when you hear this magic word and you'll get a treat! Let me warn you though that if you don't stop barking or if you suddenly start up again, you'll probably get sprayed in the face with water (yuck!). So it pays off to do what they ask.